…and so are you.
Dealing with depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and unemployment that brings financial worries, is not easy on the best of us; it wreaks havoc on the worst levels. Everything feeds off everything else in a nasty circle.
So what do you do when you’re both at your wits end?
Nothing fancy, just grab a coffee/tea/pop and sit down with no phones and as few distractions as possible, and talk things out. If things get to a head, separate, calm down, and try again after you’ve both had time to chill out and think. It’s a lot harder than it sounds, which is why most of my serious conversations end up taking place over text message (I do not recommend this, it is so easy to be mis-understood) because I’m so emotional at least with texting I can continue talking through the tears. I will just cry and cry and cry when trying to have conversations that are tough, that even with my counsellor sometimes I wish I could just text my responses to her.
We had to do that last night, quite literally. The conversation started at about one, and we finished talking/texting at 2 am with a long break in between because after one comment I just turned off my phone because if I continued while I was so high on my emotions, I would have said something I regretted. So I waited, and last night at about 11:30 I turned my phone back on.
He figured out I was awake because I was on facebook, which makes my messenger show ‘online’ so he texted, and then we just continued to text. Not the most glamorous of conversations because there’s a pile of Kleenex next to me, but it was needed for either of us to sleep. We cleared the air, I have made the conscious decision to stop trying to find something to ‘make money’ for right now, and just focus on myself. Which feels really selfish, and it really is frustrating because I’ve never not had a source of income to cover my expenses, even during full time college I worked enough to cover my phone bill and fuel and insurance. So this is all new, strange, and extremely frustrating. I thought I was doing ok with the whole unemployment thing. Nope. Not even close.
So I am consciously moving my thoughts away from ‘do something to make money/sell all the things’ to ‘focus on my exercise, my diet changes, and my relationship with Sean and mental health’. Long list LOL but it must be done.
Yesterday was also frustrating because I figured out a tough crochet stitch, took me about an hour, then I went and chopped veggies for 20 minutes, and was in serious pain for the next 3 hours at least (I fell asleep so I don’t know how long it actually lasted) and to the point that I was at pain level 4 this morning, which is creeping to a 5 because I’m typing. The doc says more pain the next day is good. That’s fine, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating.