Insomnia and what it means to me

Ah insomnia. That sleep deprived annoyance that many wish they could harvest the extra time into something more productive.

I am one of those that wish this.  I can make my wee morning hours slightly productive, but nothing like if I actually slept, and then woke up in the wee hours.  At this rate I have probably had about 6-8 hours of sleep over the last two days. And approximately 2 of those hours was a nap. Or a dap as I was about to type. A day-nap, my brain makes things randomly interesting sometimes. I’ve turned into a gibbering fool sometimes with my words not coming out of my mouth the way they should.

I’ve developed a tendency to combine my words into a new combination that’s supposed to illustrate the meaning of the two words, but as one new word.  And English is my first language.  Oh dear indeed. Despite the ridiculousness of the language, I’ve never struggled so hard to find words to express myself. We all forget words in our lives, for me it is a daily occurrence.

The lack of sleep over the last two days, and over the last month, has definitely not assisted in the situation.  I’m not sure if I can blame the drugs or the meditation for this annoying side-effect. Meditation before I sleep while sleep-deprived allows me to get some form of rest, even if I don’t fully fall asleep.  It drags me into a complete calm and does recharge me sufficiently. It has made me able to enjoy the last few days without too much trouble. I stopped meditating for about 3-4 days, and then just picked it up again Friday. 

What doesn’t recharge sufficiently though, is the pain tolerance. Regardless of how well I feel mentally, my physical endurance is so worn from the lack of restorative sleep.  Pain wakes me up, pain is with me through the day, and it gets oh so much worse at night and during meditation when I stop moving the joints.  It really is an irritation, and makes me short tempered.  

I was hoping to stop the insomnia by getting up early, taking a very early nap with sufficient caffeine to get me through the afternoon (no caffeine after 2-3pm for me) but it didn’t work. I went to bed at 10 am last night, tossed, turned, didn’t do a meditation (I will tonight!) and I was still awake when my partner came to bed.  He fell asleep or at least into a restful phase fairly quickly, and then started to snore ❤ I love him dearly but once he starts snoring and I’m having issues with insomnia, it’s up I get!

Whether the insomnia is caused by the drugs or by the meditation, neither, or both, I would be in a much blacker, more painful place without the meds, I count myself lucky to even be able to afford the medication that is keeping me sane and above drowning.  Barely above drowning, I keep swallowing icky pool water, but I’m able to catch my breath on occasion.

Time to go try for a nap on the couch.


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